Yesterday I was crippled by a headache and general exhaustion. Ok fine I was hung over. Alright? There it is. Being hung over with a small child is like holding a hot cup of tea while riding a roller coaster. Very painful and next to impossible. By the grace of god Coco was in a good mood and stayed in a good mood for most of the day. Note to self: letting your kid watch tv and eat whatever they want all day can make for quite a pleasant experience. After getting up at 6 am and getting daughter 1 and daddy out of the house to school and work, I sunk into the couch with Cokes for what felt like 20 episodes of Giada at Home, one of her favorite programs-not kidding. Once I was able to get up I shuffled to the kitchen to make the greasiest grilled cheese possible, threw back an orange Crush and felt myself coming back to normal. Coco was filthy after this and needed a bath, and frankly so did I. The two of us soaked for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep back on the couch-it was pure heaven. The thing is raising small kids is hard. Trying to do anything else while raising small kids seems impossible. It’s like when I let go of all the stuff I’m “supposed” to be doing and just get on the floor and play a board game or get in the bath in the middle of the day or just sit and watch them play with their toys, life is so much easier. They chill, they smile, they laugh. It’s when you get on the phone or computer or try to talk to an adult in front of them that they get pissy and begin the endless “Moooooooooommy” routine that drives me absolutely mad. The thing is all the toys, video games and movies in the world aren’t ever going to make them as happy as your undivided attention does. The trick is figuring out how to give it to them, and still get the groceries.

Last Friday morning The Chuthakieo family bundled up and headed to school early to honor one of our own. In front of the whole school at the monthly assembly our little Ellybean accepted the Student of the Month award for her Kindergarten class, in her pajamas wearing reindeer antenna. The pride was oozing out of me, literally I was a snotty emotional mess. She was so poised, so proud and so perfect I wanted to bottle the moment and save the feeling forever. After what seemed like a million hugs and kisses we said our goodbyes and walked home happier than we could imagine and with a very strong sense of community. We love her teachers and her school so much and we love her being there. What transpired later that day was unthinkable and I, like so many of us, am still unable to come to grips. The juxtaposition of the scene at our  elementary school that morning to the one of Sandy Hook on the news all day was surreal to say the least. Even as I looked through these pictures again, I started to lose it. I kept imagining a proud parent going through a similar routine in Connecticut that morning, not knowing what the unfair future held. This hit way too close to home for us, for the country, for the world. This blog has brought me so much joy and a huge part of that has been about my kids. I love having this digital scrapbook of them and their little lives. Even as I write this I’m unsure if I should have. Maybe I should have just kept it light, kept it sweet. Maybe. But if this is my time capsule of sorts, how could I not comment on such a day and take the opportunity to send my condolences to all involved. You are in our hearts, we will never forget. And to Elle and Coco, we love you and are so thankful for you every day.

I can’t believe another Halloween has come and gone. This being Elle’s fifth, Coco’s second (but first real one) I’m just trying to slow things down and take it all in. Even though this time of year is insane and about to get insaner-yeah I said it, I have to remember this time is fleeting. It’s not long before my relationships with the girls will change and be filled with more complications, the kinds many years of mother/daughterhood tend to collect. Yes, we have our battles-they are so head strong and stubborn. But most of them can be easily solved with a hug or a tickle. One day it won’t be as easy. Some day we won’t relate to each other in the same way. Not necessarily a bad way, just different. My mother made every Halloween, and all of the holidays, incredibly special with delicious recipes and beautiful decorations. I can still taste her toasted pumpkin seeds and I have a witch dress she made one year still hanging in my closet. My grandmother made this dress (above) and many other costumes for my brother and I and I can still see her happy face when we wore them. She was a bit of a curmudgeon, so it was always fun to see her brighten up whenever we came around. So I speak from experience when I say these times are important. Parts of them are hell for me, but they’re worth it. We’re building a foundation here after all and I don’t want to cut any corners. It’s a stressful time of year, but I’m going to do my best to remember how special it is and slow down to smell the roses. And the candy, the turkey, and the eggnog. Let the games begin. Happy Halloween!

Elle, 5, the witch.

Coco, 2, the robot.